Right now, I don’t know. I’m not feeling hopeless by any means. I just have a hell of a time imagining it. I still haven’t had a sip, for what it’s worth (I don’t plan on relapsing, obviously, but if I ever do, I would be honest about it here. I’m not lying by omission. I’m not drinking. My finances are another story though. Need some serious work.)
I try to imagine a sober, debt free B. and a blank woman comes to mind, a question mark over where my face should be. Booze and financial struggles have colored so much of my young life so far. What happens when those factors are removed?
I hope she:
- takes good care of her body and works out regularly
- is eventually married to M.
- pursues some indulgent hobbies
- takes classes for fun
- reads voraciously
- volunteers her time to the less fortunate
- donates some of her income to a worthwhile cause close to her heart
- makes time for her family, always
- keeps and maintains the healthy friendships she has
- doesn’t meddle or gossip
- gets enough sleep
- knows how good she is without the overspending, sans countless glasses of wine
It feels very self-help to refer to myself in third person but I need to have some sort of identity to work toward. I know who I am, I just need to nurture the qualities that have been buried and drunk for too long.