Off Kilter & Sadpants

Sorry for my blog absence.

I’m in a funk.

Ten pounds heavier than January 1st. Haven’t been doing well with my money. Haven’t worked out in over a week and a half. Overspent on dumb, frivolous stuff while I was at work in L.A. (see: buying two college girlfriends that live there an entire bar tab of drinks, over $110+, trying to take out a direct deposit advance to cover my irresponsible butt until I could get home, being denied because I’ve maxed out that option, being thrown into fretting that I would be stranded if for any reason my American Express for work were to be declined [has happened before since we are all on a credit limit and flights are booked all the time]. A scary, stupid thing I did to myself by trying to buy the love of others, something I promised myself I would stop doing.)

Feeling undervalued at work due to a re-org that has left literally everyone in their own, private office and me out in the open lobby behind the receptionist, playing greeter to anyone and everyone if for any reason he isn’t at his desk. It feels like a serious demotion. I came home and cried to M. on Monday. There are three empty offices that they are reserving for future hires. Next to impossible to not feel like they value the employees they don’t even have yet over me. My ego aches.

What I’m scared to admit is that my depression is creeping back up on me. I will never, ever hurt myself but defaulting to sleep / not being awake when left to my own devices is a different kind of hurting myself.

Toying with the idea of giving up booze for awhile if not forever since it’s a depressant and unhelpful to my predisposition to not get out of bed. I don’t drink a lot but I have wine often. Need to exercise or just MOVE in any capacity. Stuck in this cycle of beating myself up. I want to stand up, unzip this sad suit I’m in, step out. I can’t seem to muster it.

Hi, I’m B. and feeling sorry for myself. Productive, no?


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22 thoughts on “Off Kilter & Sadpants

  1. Hi B, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. I’ve been dealing with serious depression (on & off for 7 years, but pretty seriously for the last 18 months). I wanted to comment because I really feel for you. I finally got fed up since this winter, and have started making slow changes to help support the therapy/medication stuff that helps but never seems to shake things for me.

    It’s so hard to motivate myself to exercise or eat healthy or stop drinking or any of those things, because when I’m so down I just think, “what’s the point?” I think making small changes is possible, but I have had to teach myself to be sooooo patient and congratulate myself about every little thing. (Yay I’ve been brushing my teeth twice a day and am not the smelly kid….progress!) So far, the things I have found that are really helpful are doing exercise (I have mostly been focusing on things that are fun for me like dance and not worrying about what would be best fitness-wise), making myself eat a few more veggies than I want to, limiting my drinking where I can, keeping a mood log (I just made a google doc where I write a few things down each day about how the day went; I notice when I get very down I forget that there are still good days; being able to look back and see when the last one was is really reassuring to me).

    I have also really given myself permission to be gentle and forgiving toward myself (the best thing is repeating to myself “what would I tell a friend in my situation? would I be this harsh to her?”) and given myself permission to be selfish. I haven’t been a jerk to anyone, but I have let myself prioritize my own happiness over other people’s when I need to, reasoning that if I were sick physically everyone would understand that. It literally has felt like I am fighting for my life (wouldn’t actually hurt myself either, but it feels serious, if that makes any sense).

    Anyway, sorry for the long ass comment. I hope some of my suggestions were mildly intriguing and you can find at least one thing that is worth a try. :)

    Love you and hope things slowly start to improve.

    ~~ DEENA ~~

  2. First off, I want to tell you that we are ALL here for you! If only internet hugs were as warm as real hugs, amirite? Everyone stumbles once in awhile, and the good thing is that you recognize your behaviours – that’s the first step in fixing them. It’s hard to break lifelong habits in a few months, it takes years. As someone who also had a rough time with work last week, I am so with you on the “beating myself up” thing, little mistakes become huge and unforgiveable in my mind. I do it so much and so often and it is SO hard to correct that negative self-talk. I know it’s really hard to do, but you need to cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself a little. I really like your analogy of the sad-suit, sometimes my dysthymia feels like a raincloud that I just can’t shake.

    Keep us posted on everything and I am always available on the Tweeter if you need to talk!

    • I’m not too familiar with dysthymia, I need to learn more about it. Thank you so much for your support. Please know how much I adore you. I need to go catch up on your blog! Expect 438904820942 comments from me this week.

  3. Depression is an ugly beast! What so many people don’t understand is that it can manifest itself physically. I, too, battle depression. I wish that for everyone’s sake there was an instant cure. Keep your head up and try not to be too hard on yourself. It’s ok to make mistakes.

  4. There’s not really anything I can say except that we’re here for you, we’ve got your back, if there’s anything you need, just let me know through email or twitter. This sort of thing happens to the best of us, it’s not a reflection on your worth, your abilities, or your potential.

    Feel better. :)

  5. I’m so sorry about all of this :( It sounds like you’ve had a crappy couple of months. I hope things get better soon.. if you ever need to talk, feel free to send me an email!

  6. I hope things get better for you soon–feel free to vent if you ever need to. Sending warm thoughts your way. Don’t beat your self up though–mistakes happen especially when you are trying to break life long habits.

  7. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had the week from hell. However, I also think you are doing a great job here and you should cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect and we all make emotional decisions sometimes. I’d be pissed and hurt about the work situation too. If it makes you feel any better, sometimes bosses can be douche bags without doing so intentionally. Maybe once the hurt passes a little, you can tell them what you said here–that it seems like they value future employees over their current ones. Hang in there!

  8. I enjoy your blog and am sorry you’re having a rough time of it. One thing about being old (talking medicare here) is that you’ve seen these cycles come and go many times. Believe me when I tell you this too shall pass. My method of choice for riding these out is yoga and meditation. A really good yoga teacher is a lifesaver and it’s worth shopping around to find one. Yoga changes so much and makes life so much easier. Just my two cents.

    jesinalbuquerque

  9. :( Keep your head up! I know it totally sucks right now, but hey – it can only get better from here right? Is there any way you can talk to anyone at work to get you more privacy or switch jobs? I’m pretty emotional too though so if you need to vent, let me know. We’re all here for ya!

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